Thursday, March 4, 2010

Holy Shit!

Warning:If you are of the 'pious'/tight ass variety, I would suggest not going further.You have been warned!

Hello everyone, and welcome to the cosmic marketplace. Today I shall enlighten you on our bestseller product, 'The Big G'.

Since Big Gs are in such a huge demand everywhere, licenses for production were given to different companies, and needless to say competition breeds innovation. Today Gs come in more forms than ever before, and the mind boggling variety can be confusing for anyone. Hence, for your convenience, I shall take the various models one by one

First in the queue, we have company 'H'. Company H was founded 3500 years ago by nobody.It is quite a unique firm, offering 33 million variations(and counting) of their flagship product.Their Gs come in all shapes and sizes, and can often be custom built from scratch. The company is administered by 'Pun'dits, known for their acidic wit, especially towards customers belonging to the 'Shoodra' category, whom they generally shoo away. The firm has a flexible bad debts policy, and a person can write off a bad loan by taking a bath in the 'panga' river, named so because taking a bath in it's 'pristine industrial waters' often amounts to taking a 'panga'.Customers follow the policy of 'karMa', inspired by Deewar's famous dialogue "Mere paas Ma Hai!".

Moving on to our second company, we have the firm 'I', founded by some fellow called 'Mo'. The company has labelled their product as 'A', which stands for awesome!, which is to be spoken in a Barney Stinson accent. The company has been mired in some controvery these days, owing to the behaviour of their 'WahaB' division, which insists in killing customers of other firms known as 'InfyDels', who are nothing but employees of Infosys and Dell.They also kill some of their own followers called 'Shee-a' who they think are much too effeminate.When happy, the WahaB s sing their anthem "Oh Sama!" which invigorates them instantly. On the bright side, customers of I are promised equal treatment and provision for charity are provided. Followers are also adept at arts and crafts, which brings them a lot of fame.Initially the company faced some issues of synchronisation of 'A' with products of other firms, but the issue has been since resolved after the introduction of the 'Sufi' upgrade.

Now we come to a much smaller group known as 'Judes' (Inspired from the Beatles' hit single "Hey Jude!"). Although they are a small scale company, they have made their mark in the financial world. The company ran into some trouble in the 1930's when a madcap known as 'Shitler' nearly succedded in destroying them. However the Judes have since resurged and are now quite influential and powerful. The Judes ran into some land ownership issues when they usurped the land of the 'Palace Teens' and the two have been fighting ever since. Luckily, they have an Uncle Sam who helps them regularly by shutting up anyone who shouts "Human Rights!".

Moving on to the biggest behemoth of them all, 'The Big C'. Big C was founded by this dude known as 'J C' (not related to Jay Z) who was kind and tolerant but that 'crossed' some people who then tried to 'nail him'. The effort was a failure and soon Big C was up and running in three days.These days the organization is headed by a fellow who calls himself 'Pope', because he acts like a 'popat'(parrot).The "Pope' claims that the world started at 'Eden Gardens', Calcutta about 5000 years ago on the eve of an India Pakistan match.Anyone who opposes this is sent to 'hell' like 'Gaalileo', who was given a lot of 'Gaalis' by the pope.The company also runs a daemon process called 'Satan' in the background but it's checked by the firms very own antivirus software, iGod.

Besides these biggies,we also have smaller firms 'Sickism' and 'Duddism'. Sickism was founded by people who were sick of the products of 'H' and 'I'.Followers of sickism call themselves 'Seekhs', out of their love for seekh kebabs.Seekhs are also fond of dancing and that explains their motto "Wahe Guru Ji Da Salsa,Wahe Guru ji di Fateh".Dudism was founded in India, got exported to China who then eventually put an embargo on it. Customers of Duddism are often confused since they expect their product 'Big G' but are only delivered a bunch of CDs by this band called 'Nirvana'.Followers often become the victims of road accidents since they are supposed to walk on the 'middle path'.

Lastly, there is the new startup called 'Messrs A-Theests and Egg-Nostics'.They are given this title because they like to throw eggs on the customers of every other firm.Critics claim this new venture is a farce because A-Theest sells a product which is nothing but an empty box,with no Big G inside while egg nostics never keep their eggs in one basket.Egg Nostics also confuse their customers by saying the Big G might be there in the box, or it might not be.

So to sum it up, this is all there is to this big bazaar.If you thought I was poking fun at your choices, you are absolutely right! Any inappropriateness is seriously unregretted!


Harshvardhan Pande said...

glad to know u spared none :P

Sanjeev Gadgil said...

again..!! top notch!!! have to comment big big time on the word transforms...!! awesome..!! you almost Z-transformed the world..!!!

Parth said...

Sadism at its peak, or should i say, narcissm...Likes!!!

ps- Idealism can go take a hike

Chandan Kr. Gupta said...

holy shit.. such amount of crap can only be ejaculated by u.. gud job..

Kanav said...

great going dude!! excellent work...
daemon process called satan...haha

Anonymous said...

Hi Amit,
Great website and an equally wonderful "G" article! You couldn't choose a better name for this blog. I was zapped reading it! Awesome. Dude you called my articles bold, yours are outright audacious! Great to be in touch. I hope you keep writing and we keep enjoying. And yes I am not that orthodox as you thought :)
Shah Alam Khan

Parth patel said...

nice work.....keep it up